*BEST
Fatherless
Daughter
🌸 Lili
✨ Lilithoniel
🛡️ Nimlaeth
🧇 Destroyer of waffles
a nice girl who loved the lord of the rings movies, was very shy, tried to be a kind person, then wrote about her father’s death when she was fourteen
🌸 EDIT: I added the “best” because “fatherless Daughter” was taken. sorry to other daughters who lost their dads. sucks for us.
Hi there! It’s me 😻
You know, I had a funny thought as I walked around the city today. Sometimes I wondered if any of my internet friends still thought of me, sometimes. We were internet friends yes but that’s real friends to me personally.
I got distant after my father died. It wasn’t because I suddenly lost interest in fandom or got into fights or anything, I just... I don’t know. Got overwhelmed with school. Writing to my old livejournal friends reminded me too much of happier times, when my parents were divorced but at least my Papa was still alive.
I kind of thought everyone hated my stinking guts because...
Things fell apart in my personal life. God knows I fucked up friendships due to dumb mistakes and then my first relationship because of immaturity/inexperience. I thought I’d identified a pattern in what I did wrong but still ended up alone, somehow. Usually rejected instead of dumped which was easier for me. Still very painful but less painful to be honest. Reasons for rejection were often very specific and painful but still.
05
A long time ago, I felt like a big jerk for disappearing from my old internet friend circles.
Even before that, I felt like a gigantic poser because I introduced myself using a fake accent. Thing is, as a little girl I was so terrified of speaking that I couldn’t record my voice without faking an accent.
One of my seventh grade teachers thought I was completely mute. The only way I could speak into a microphone was with a slight French-ish accent, which I admitted was due to my shyness and thinking my French teacher was cool.
I thought no one gave a shit whether I lived or died.
Tragedies compounded on me and my family. Car accidents. Hospital stays. Medical bills. Bankruptcies. Cruel names: “addict,” “sinner,” “whore,” “crazy bitch,” and “damned.”
It tore me apart.
I felt guilty for every single thing that went wrong. Eventually I got angry, but it wasn’t before I hated myself so much that it took an extraordinary amount of effort to get me out of bed after my most recent breakup.
Perhaps, however... I was fooled?
After Princess Diana died, other reasonable humans might just have thought “OH MY FUCKING GOD GAME OVER MY DUDES.” I knew and figured that of course artists, activists, and any women with more melanin than me ain’t safe in this hellhole universe. I thought blonde-killing “NOT REALLY ACCIDENTS” didn’t concern anyone or were seen as purely historical events.
In hindsight...
i reckon that fake french accent saved my bacon.
It’s 100% true that I could not speak without stuttering at that age.
Realistically: anyone who heard my voice with a fake French accent around age fourteen would think “JESUS FUCK THAT LITTLE CHICK SOUNDS JUST LIKE JOSEPHINE BAKER” and then would know, based on how many nice artists and successful humans rights activists die, that a girl like me was in a massive amount of danger.
I didn’t have to succeed as an artist. Just had to be someone rich or famous’s daughter in order to be targeted for a kidnapping. Yikes.
Anyone who ever heard my voice would think something like...
Holy shit this bitch sounds like...
okay so maybe... people who saw me knew i was in trouble huh?
people who definitely knew that women (including blondes) are not safe in the usa today
“To be brave means to be pure of heart, yet sometimes dumb of ass. It’s the only way to be.” - My Papa
Aha. Apparently other people were fully aware of the danger girls like me are in. Many innocent people ain’t safe, but blonde girls are on the list too.
Huh. Oh well.
Nothing wrong with discovering that one was hoodwinked. Human to be wrong sometimes.
Based on some confusing recent conversations I might have deadass been... the last person on earth to figure out that yup, nice blonde girls are basically an endangered species right now?
I wonder if the alias “Liligolas” is available as a domain name.
My lord of the rings fangirl friends would have seen one picture of me aged fourteen-ish and have thought...
holy shit this bitch looks like chick legolas. she sounds like stevie nicks. princess diana died in a paparazzi-caused car crash. our shy internet friend might just get trainwrecked one day and boom! good-bye, clueless nice girl.
(interesting text on this nifty website, screenshot evidence of my mama discussing two morrissey concerts that were cancelled, to my great disappointment at the time.)
Hello to any and all nice artists/scientists/human rights activists around the world!
I’ve seen the horrific things that happen to innocent people. Reading YouTube comments vicariously traumatized me. I won’t lie and say I’ve never said mean shit on the internet, but I try to keep my angry words to appropriate spaces. If I discover I’m wrong, I do my best to correct the record. I have seen that there are deadass people on this planet who terrorize others as a hobby.
Personally, I don’t want to be a CEO or a professional designer. If nice people with money think that people should be free to release their work online without subjecting themselves to the misery of AN ANONYMOUS COMMENT SECTION then here. Use this page parker, hire people who want to work on it, and let me leave a link to my independent work somewhere on the page please.
Named in honor of my first thought when I Googled “Megan Thee Stallion shot.” Megan Thee Stallion, according to people in NYC I‘ve met who‘ve met her, always treats people kindly. I Google her name sometimes to see if she‘s released any new music. Sadly this means that if she‘d ever done anything wrong in her life, I‘d have to read about it. WHO THE FUCK IS GOOGLING “WHY“ about the fact that Megan Thee Stallion was shot?
GOOGLE REVEALED THAT SOME PEOPLE, IN THE DARK OF THEIR HOMES, THINK THAT THERE’S A “REASON WHY” BEAUTIFUL ARTISTS WHO... sorry for the lack of subtlety but ARE ALSO BLACK WOMEN... HISTORY SLAPS US ALL IN THE FACE WITH THE FACT THAT INNOCENT PEOPLE DIE FOR NO REASON AT ALL!
WHO IS GOOGLING “WHY?!”
I am still deeply upset and in my own head about my traumas, but good god. No one’s ever shot me. I am screaming inside my soul because enough people think there’s a REASON WHY WOMEN ARE SHOT AT that this is listed on GOOGLE?!!?!
P.S.: also, okay yes a Tory Lanez shot her. Why however are people assuming that she must have been shot by a rapper and not Googling the shorter phrase “WHO?”
in my opinion, people have a problem with megan thee stallion because she’s confident and says “no” to people.
I remain convinced that some people hate her because they can’t date her. Never met this woman but read YouTube comments. Will take this conviction with me to my damn grave.
WHO THE FUCK ASKS GOOGLE THIS QUESTION?! WHO RAISED YOU?
JACKALS DO NOT EAT EACH OTHER.
JACKALS WOULD PUT Y’ALL IN FOSTER CARE BECAUSE HUMANS WOULD EAT THE UNSUSPECTING BABY JACKALS.
PEOPLE ARE MAD BECAUSE MEGAN THEE STALLION WILL NOT DATE THEM. SOME HOS WILL DIE MAD BECAUSE THEY DON’T OWN OTHER PEOPLE’S BODIES. THEREFORE, THE NAME OF MY RIDICULOUS PLACEHOLDER WEBSITE TO HIJACK YOUTUBE IS NOW:
Not
Yours!
Emma Stranger
Maeve Monroe
Alexandra Turing
Lila Morrissey
Contact
Lexie Marie Martin
@wicked.glitch
Here’s my latest trauma-dump
fuck all y’all meanies
You hurt my feelings
so I am posing with my foot kicking a mirror because I am angry but not willing to kick people for spite so, this is an angry gesture
PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE SHIT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BY A SINGLE MOM AND WALKED AROUND NEW YORK CITY WITH A TERRIBLE ACHILLES INJURY
Why did I find this?
Iduring one of the most painful days of my life so far, I found a poem in a cubby. I sang it because I think otherwise the cleaning staff would have thrown away the sheet of paper it was written on.
next time on my online existential crisis
lady jordana
it is a beautiful poem. it shouldn’t be lost